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  • Writer's pictureZuZu


First of all, please let me explain why I had Matthew write the last entry. I am aware upon reflection, I should have put a trigger warning, because some people grew up with adults that yelled, broke shit, punched walls, etc. Because of my past childhood-and, really, life experiences-listen, there is no excuse for why Matthew is Matthew, except that he holds my rage. All of it. Every last ounce of hate and rage directed at my abusers, not limited to only the Roaches, he holds.

My intention was for you was to see what it's like when I step back, and let Matthew barge his way out, what a homicidal alter-at least mine- looks and sounds like, and that we can both be present at the same time- what is known as being co-conscious.

I've had another homicidal Alter I described earlier named Richard. I had to work daily with him, because (Trigger Warning) he held the memories of the Satanic Cult, The Brides of Satan. They are an actual offshoot of The Church of Satan. I googled them once. Just to see if they were real, you know? Get some perspective and validation. Well, Richard was completely brain washed by the cult. I kept going in and out of the psych hospital for suicidal ideation. It was Richard trying to kill me because, "If, by the time you have reached 40 years of age, and are not married, you must kill yourself as an offering to Satan to become one of his brides." Trigger warning fin.

Well, Richard lapped this shit up. Matthew knew EVERYTHING they had done to me was egregiously wrong.

Now, why didn't I write sooner?

Truth be told? I believe I have said this before, but when an alter comes forward, they are trying to keep you steady...because a flashback will be rearing it's ugly head soon. I was also diagnosed (dx) with Bronchitis, and my aunt's husband dies on Saturday.

But, that night, after Matthew came out? It was the third of July, and people were letting off sparklers. 4th of July is always a great, fucking time for those of us with PTSD.

So, I'm out on my balcony, listening to the booms and fizzes, and it begins. The flashback Matthew had. The one he had come forward for to try and protect me.

Trigger Warning

Fun fact-If you are a member of the church of Satan, and they discover you're a pedophile, you're blacklisted. So Mr and Mrs Roach, and consequently his brother and myself, were booted out. I remember him saying after its all went down, "We're just gonna have to fuck her up so she can't come after us."

That's when I knew the shitstorm had begun when I was 6. But, I digress.

I'm on my balcony, and I can feel it-the flashback-creeping towards the front. And I had taken all my evening psych, health and antibiotic meds. Then, the flashback emerged. This flashback was held by a 7 year old part, named Athena, from Matthew's system.

Still Trigger Warning

I was allowed, forced, resigned, whatever to spend the fourth with the Roaches. Mr. Roach lit, and gave me and sparkler. He told me, when it burns down to here, you stick it in the ground. Ready? Well, I was an artistic kid and I loved and still love to dance. He lit that sparkler and I was dancing in circles, making that sparkler seem like a night star. But, I didn't put it out in time. I burned myself and the sparkler went out. I reacted, as one normally would to being burned. This was unacceptable to Mr. Roach. He grabbed my neck with his left man paw and began squeezing my neck. He was brandishing the sparkler in his right man paw. Then, he put his right man paw and left man paw around my neck, and started squeezing. He was yelling at me, something like you dumb little bitch, I showed you how to play...

I think he loosened his grasp when I was turning from red to blue. How very patriotic of him. And I hauled balls out the back fence gate.

Trigger Warning Over.

Now. When I have flashbacks about the Roaches-which I've had since early spring in 2002-I have a very visceral reaction. I puke my guts out. I mean, I'm puking after nothing's left. While I am puking, I have more of the flashback details fleshed out. Hence, I puke more. I had to clean up my toilet-mind you I still have bronchitis-Crawl into bed, and fall asleep.

I wake up, three hours later, because I puked up ALL my medication. I had to go and retake all my meds. I always sleep like shit after a flashback, and it wipes me out for three days. I'm completely fucking useless.

With DID, you feel...probably every feeling in the book. I can explain the seven biological feelings we're born with, but I'm only now brave enough to feel and be able to describe nuanced feelings. It's usually fight, flight, freeze or go limp. I used to say, "Play Dead" because in the Animal Kingdom, that's what it's called.

Also in the animal kingdom, if an antelope gets nailed by a leopard, it goes limp. Leopards, as most wild animals do, don't eat dead meat. Once the leopard has found another meal, the antelope/gazelle, gets up, and jumps around on all four of it's paws. This is called, "Pronking". It releases the chemicals in the animal's brain, to release the acid/memories out of the animal. The, after the antelope pranks it off, it goes about it's day.

I'm terrified to get into my body. Your muscles remember every touch, slap, push, and punch you've ever endured your whole life. There is a great book on this, called, "Waking the Tiger". I only recommend it for you if you don't exercise, and can't figure out why you're stuck in freeze, or lower vibrations. I also STRONGLY suggest, you do NOT work through this book alone. I'm begging you: DO it within a qualified trauma and ethical therapist. I have mentioned things I have to pronk with, however, I've been in god awful, unnecessary knee pain since 2015. I was told I needed a double knee replacement, get down to 250 lbs, and have bariatric surgery. I went and saw a sports/orthopedic guy? He announced:"Good News!!! You don't need a double knee replacement. You just tore every meniscus in all your knees!" So, 6/6/22, I had my right knee done. Followed up by laser treatments-He found a micro fracture-and rooster and chicken stem cells injected into my knee. "There", he said. "You have a brand new knee, and it should never give you a problem for the rest of your life." My left knee is 8/1/22.


Then I can walk pain free. Which means I can start dancing. I ordered a belly dancing video. I am beyond stoked. But? I must be careful, because for the first time in my life, I will be dancing/using my body- sober. Shit's bound to come up. But, I've been at this for 21 years, and I've learned a lot of shit, shit from patients, group therapy, not my personal therapy until 2020, from my psychopharmacologists, my neurophysiologist, and just regular shrinks.

So, that was my intent. To show you how my system worked, that some of them do know about others, and other parts are stuck. Then The Protectors. Examples of how it begins, to how it ends. Just flashbacks. I just have flash backs. I don't have to pick up and live back there. But, for years, I had a lot of ethical NASW violations. I was encouraged to always reliving my past, be terrified, stay sick, become dependent on them and their 24/7 crisis line.

You're not meant to live back There. I can't wear anything tight around my neck. Van't wear chokers or turtlenecks. If a t shirt gets too high around my neck, I'm pulling it down, and have a 10 second freakout.

Well that's basically Body Memories which are stored in our muscles. When you begin to move, all that lactic acid, and the memories associated with those muscle memories create change. Like, flashback change, relationship change, life change. It's a big, freaking deal= at least to me it is. I was a dancer. I moved my body. But, for 21 years, I haven't been able to move.

Times gon come.

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