Grace, time and experience are painful, but very important touchstones to healing. Self compassion, I believe, is the Keystone which binds all the above together, and makes healing possible.
The last entry, "It Was Just One Halloween", was awful. At the time, I didn't now about trigger warnings. I also forgot the golden rule: No specifics about your trauma. That moment was a breakthrough for me. I'm just terribly sorry for not putting a trigger warning on the post.
From here on out, if I have to get specific, I will ABSOLUTELY post trigger warnings at the beginning of the experience, and at the end, to let you know it is safe to read again. I feel absolutely horrible about not posting trigger warnings, and I promise to do so in future posts.
Let's see...Future posts. I was told the best therapy for me, and to let my Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) and alters and parts heal is narrative therapy. Yes, it is exactly how it sounds. I'm also delving into the man who is the father of DID, Pierre Janet. Also, I will explain my experiences with the accidental expert on DID, Dr Colin Ross. I will also delve deeply into how I was kept a victim and psych sick by the mental health system. Which does include, unfortunately, quite a few ethical violations.
I discovered a new therapist right at the pandemic. We did Telehealth visits. The last time I saw him, in person, in his office, I told him, "I finally trust you." He had this baffled look on his face. I said, "We began through Telehealth. I couldn't see your mannerisms, or your energy field." It only took two years. That's my average. It takes me about 2 years to get comfortable with people. Even the people at the gas station!
DID comes about by constant, repeated trauma (You name it, it qualifies), by someone a young child-birth on-is consistently and daily abused every day. We were little people experiencing adult feelings and situations. So, when I was being traumatized, Which was daily, Monday through Friday, and, sometimes weekends, I created these people in my head, to come forward and handle the situations I could not. I know. They are like Battle Buddies, or invisible friends, is the simplest way to describe it. These people I invented are called Alters. The offshoots- I'll explain that in a minute- I call them parts. Which is a term Dr Ross coined. These altars and parts, are parts of my psyche that, due to trauma, split off in my ego.
Now, most people have several to 12ish altars. Our altars have names, ages, genders, and jobs. Some people have animals (When Rabbit Howls. I highly recommend that book. Or just google Trudy Styler, but I digress). I have a 7 year old boy who is mute. I have an elephant and a Tiger.
Basically, my system breaks down like this:
Richard. 42. Protector. Altar
When I began this journey, I was told I had 432 parts.
Turns out, some of the parts were memories, feelings and Isolated incidents.
And then the parts in Richard's system
go on to have sub systems, and parts that have parts.
Richard's System-A lot of kids. A maid/Janitor.
Richard held the cult memories. To keep me distracted,
he made CRAZY, ANAL lists to keep me on track.
Organizer, keep up appearances.
Matthew. Protector. 42
Holds rage. Doesn't back down from a fight.
All the fights we have been in, were against
males. For one, because they just changed the
domestic abuse law, because I left the mark,
I spent the night in jail. As I was cuffed
and stuffed in the back of the deputy's car,
the deputy who took my ex boyfriend's picture
(He was the victim), the deputy leans in the car,
and says, "She did a good job." I didn't know
that was Matthew. In second grade, I almost killed
my Bully. That's when I knew I had to pick and
choose my physical battles.
Matthew was the first Altar to show up in my artwork...
More than once.
Matthew has always been unto himself. He has one part.
It's like a caveman with a club, mixed with The Toxic
With Matthew, I just have to get the anger out-which I
will NOT do here. Anger and Shadow Work (Carl Jung)
needs to be done with a professionally trained trauma therapist.
I have a kickball and a hall. I have a tennis racket and balls,
that was how I got out my anger as a kid. I had a tennis racket
and balls, and I would just hit the balls against the garage door.
I also have a Disney Princess' soft baseball bat, and a big chair.
The only thing I'm afraid of, are the muscle memories. But, all
things in good time. Matthew is primarily by himself. Like I said,
He has the one part, and that's it. Moving on...
Vicki. Temptress. 23.
Oh, Vicki. She loves the boys. Not afraid to give them
our number, or stare them down if they're good eye candy.
Yes, she is a flirt. She has parts: Vicky, the sensible one, Victoria,
the prim and proper on, and ZuZu. But, only ZuZu when she is
acting, "extra". She was very present when I drank. Matter
of fact, my last drink was with Dave. We had been drinking
pure, Mexican Tequila. And I went out and got a 6 pack of Rolling Rock.
Then, I went to the bedroom,, and I watched as I poured a ton of
Valium into my end-but it wasn't my hand. It was Vicki's hand. And from
that moment on, my life completely changed. For the better.
Vicki has a subsystem, and the subsystem has parts. Mostly adolescent girls.
We're working on hygiene, makeup, hair, looking and acting
more lady like. Slowly eliminating the word "fuck" out of our vocabulary.
She is very selfish, and so I am trying to teach her to,
"Think less of herself, and more ocf others." She's been a tough one
like Richard. I worked on Richard for 8 years. Sheesh!
Finally, we have Matilde,
Protector of the littles. 53.
I remember when I was tasked with creating a safe
spave- in my head, sky was the limit (DID is a very creative disorder).
So, I asked my littles 3-6 years old, what they wanted in their
space. First thing was a tree House, then a fully
stocked playground. I suggested a Bouncy House. They were all
over that. Petting zoo, slides, sandbox, dress up clothes, if it dealt with
children, it's in their safe space. Now, Matilde is EXTREMELY PROTECTIVE
of her children. She wont let me in, or speak to any of them.
I'm thing that's where the art therapy and muscle memory will come to the front.
So, you now know I have 4 alters, who are all protectors, and they, themselves, have systems and sub systems, and parts of their own.
I've been ruthlessly working on my DID since I was diagnosed by Dr Ross in August of 2008. I would have made more progress, had I not stood my ground in some cases, and had a second opinion in others.
This entry is the tip of the iceberg. Like I said, it won't be all about my DID recovery journey. I have a fucking IMbD. I've lived a full life. Ideally, everyone with a trauma history wants to write a book. I don't. I'm hoping to turn this into a one woman show. I have a theatre background. I have a lot of background. Hopefully, you'll subscribe and we can go on this journey together. I've been isolated far too long. And quiet for far too long.
Like I said, this is a do over. I'm revamping to truth and not trauma specifics. Although, I did have a flashback dream two weeks ago, and I totally soaked my bed! 49 years old, and I'm peeing the bed!! LMFAO!!! I mean, if I don't show any other emotion besides weak and victim like behavior, I'll go even more out of order than I already am!!!!
Well, I have therapy tomorrow, so the ought to provoke some emotional garbage. At the end of the month, I'm undergoing neuropsychological testing to see if I'm on the spectrum,. Is it trauma or autism, and which is which.
Until next time, don't take any shit from anyone or yourself!